Serendipitously Rambling

Need...or not...:)

2010-12-01T19:12:00.000-08:00

Have I forgotten how to need? I am in a new relationship but I won't let myself need him. Then there's the back and forth in my head "is it healthy to need anyone?" vs "everyone needs to be needed" I want to be needed but I am afraid to need. NEED is so different then Want or Desire. I am very comfortable with my desire for this new man and I am open about wanting to be with him but to say that I need him...hmm...and it could simply be that it is new, which it is. On the other hand I feel that this is the healthiest relationship I have been in since freshman year of college. I feel such a sense of calm. I am not always yearning for something to be said or for him to prove something. There is no baggage. There is no drama. He's not married. He's not orthodox Jewish. He's not an immigrant with memories of a war torn homeland. He's not someone I have a past with. He's just simply a guy who has had relationships and who was single when I met him just as I was just a gal who had had relationships and was single when I met him. When I met his parents and they didn't hate me nor was it some huge fanfare, it was simple, it just was. I want to spend time with him but I also want to spend time not with him. I adore falling asleep next to him but I relish in sprawling out alone. No matter what I am thankful for him. I am thankful he arrived in my life when he did. I truly hope we continue to enjoy one another's company for I love being held, being kissed, being silly, being intimate, being the other piece to the puzzle. If it does come to an end then I can come back and read this and know that at this moment that I have opened myself up to someone and that is worth it in and of itself. I know that this past year has been about returning to center. I still have traveling to do to get there so I will continue to strive to be in the present moment, to be honest and to make choices that bring me closer to the peace within...always there...and that not needing him may simply be a sign that I have evolved...the jury is still out on whether I truly believe that and I am OK with that :)

friendship

2010-06-30T20:07:00.000-07:00

I haven't been on in awhile. A lot has been going on but what I feel compelled to write at the moment doesn't concern the changes that have occurred, but rather concerns one of the consistencies and truths that continues that remains steadfast, being my friendships. I have the best friends in the entire world. The love and devotion we have for one another is simply put, beautiful. Through the roller coaster that has been my existence this year my friends have been by anchor, my light, my shoulder to lean on, my home even when the physical location of my home remained a mystery. When I find myself in a moment of doubt I listen to my heart and remember all the people I hold there. How can I "shut down", as I have been throwing out that phrase lately concerning my potential romantic endeavors, when I so clearly possess the unwavering capacity to love beyond rhyme or reason. My heart holds dearly all my friends and continuously finds room for more. I am grateful beyond any way the written word can express so I shall simply end with, thank you past, present and future friends :)

Attachment and Desire

2010-04-09T09:30:00.000-07:00

Attachments cause so much pain and grievance but where would we be without any at all? If I weren't attached to being healthy then would I do yoga? Would I jog? If I weren't attached to paying off my debt would I have worried so much about getting a job?

Sometimes I think it's easier to place our attachments onto someone or something else. When you watch a TV show or a movie and cry, yes the acting/writing/directing really came together, but seriously, why are you crying? Are you mourning a loss for fictional people or rather are you mourning a loss you have projected onto fictional characters because it is safer rather than to confront them? I think these are the more personal attachments, like the attachments I have to one day wanting to get married and start a family with someone. It's easier for me to transfer these sometimes to a fictional character so when a TV show or movie shows a more realistic outcome of these attachments, aka it doesn't work out, then well it's harder to swallow because then you may have to come face to face with what or who didn't work out for you.

Is there a difference between attachment and desire? Well, yeah. I desire good wine, chocolate and sex pretty often but I am not attached to getting those things, because when I don't I may be disappointed for a few minutes but then the craving dissipates or I remember I have to do laundry or whatever and I move on.

BUT - attachments, oh my. Those hang on, don't they? Sheesh...I mean I am attached to paying off my debt. I am attached to losing a few pounds. These items, among others are with me more often then I would like. The outcomes of these desires are intrinsically entwined with my day to day anxiety level.

I do believe that we have to keep our attachments in check. I think for most people that can be achieved by participating in activities and/or behaviors that help to keep someone in the present moment. The more often we find ourselves in the present moment the less often we worry about those things we are attached to. I find that like most things it's about consistency and practice. After a few days the attachments have less a hold on me, after a few months, lesser still. Do I think that maybe after a few years or decades of regular participation in whatever behaviors or activities help you stay in the moment you can realize that attachments are meaningless and have no hold over you? Perhaps, I mean anything is possible.

I do think that desires on the other hand should be manifested and checked in with. We can learn a lot about our desires. I don't think each and every desire needs to manifest itself but they can be very revealing. I find that desires are more often from a place of honesty and take shape in ones gut rather than ones head, which is where I believe attachments begin.

Well the sun is out and I have a free Starbucks coupon. I desire to be in the sun and I desire an Iced Venti Soy Caramel Machiato...done and done :)

Soap and Condoms

2010-03-18T09:20:00.000-07:00

I am having a hard time moving much today. My mom and I went to Ohio on Tuesday to get the rest of my stuff. I didn't sleep at all Tuesday night. I couldn't sleep in the place that was promised to me to be my new home. I felt the weight of it all and couldn't rest until back in my parents home the next day, 30 hours since I had last slept. I also talked to him on the phone for the first time since the break-up on Tuesday night. I didn't break down and I got off my chest a lot of things I needed to say. Overall I think it was helpful. The thing is that I still feel like he doesn't fully understand what and where this whole thing has left me and truth be told he may never.

I am also struggling with asking for what I need and want from the people who care about me mainly because I don't know what those things are. I mean I need a job, I need money. I need resources that seem out of grasp at the moment. I know that I'll land on my feet, I always do. Today as I am organizing my things once again I wish I had someone here to help me because I want to sleep and wake up from wherever I am right now. I know better to avoid so I make my bed, eat some cereal and organize even though I feel as if I am moving at the speed of reluctance. I want someone to tell me to put that shirt there, hang that dress here, etc. I know I am strong enough to do it on my own but the weight of it all is pressing down on me. I also know my problems aren't that big, but compounded it sure feels bigger than I can handle.

I titled this entry "Soap and Condoms" because those are the last two items I decided to take with me from Ohio. The soap is Lovebird soap from Anthropologie I put in his stocking for Christmas and I decided to take it at the last minute as a representation of future love I know I will have with someone. I decided to take the condoms to represent the future sex I'll have with that person. It may seem cheesy but it felt a little empowering to take away those two items since I no longer share love or sex with him and I want him to know that. I also know that it will be a long time before I am ready for either love or sex and I am good with that since the idea of any of that is scary to me and when I am ready I won't be afraid or if there are traces of fear whoever he is will be understanding and patient.

The sun is shining today and I intend to go to the reservoir and take a nice long walk at some point. I intend to carve out some more clarity today, some more peace of mind. The hardest step is always the first so here's to that first step.

Today's Lesson...

2010-03-12T12:45:00.000-08:00

OK, I have been watching morning TV since I am currently unemployed and what I am learning is that these programs between 9am – 12pm are geared towards women, which, well duh, but what I am learning more specifically is that these programs are programming women to lie and manipulate to get dates. Whether its my actual physical makeup or my age I too can learn how to lie about them in order to nab me a man. From spanx to facebook. Ugh! I mean come one now. Really? On one program we (I am using the we since I as a woman am part of the intended demographic) were told to use spanx. Now, I am no stranger to spanx. I tried them once about 5 years ago and I just felt well, binded. For those who don't know spanx are they are an updated corset-esque product available to woman who want to instantly appear 10-20 lbs thinner. So ok, we are to use these spanx to look thinner, thus increasing are appeal to men who then seeing us looking so svelte ask us out. We date for awhile until one night we get physical, and what? We do a sexy striptease out of our spanx? We step away to slip into something more comfortable? We reveal that we are 10-20 lbs heavier than we have been advertising? I mean I'm all for inner beauty and being attracted to someone based on way more than their physical appearance but I'm also a realist. At the beginning physical attraction is important and come on, one of the funnest aspects about the beginning of a relationship. I mean I would be a little confused and frankly wince a little if I was dating a guy who took off his shirt and 10-20 lbs of "more to love" spilled out that to my knowledge didn't exist. But guess what guys?! Now you too can deceive your possible future dating companions. Spanx for men are now a reality. Now both men and woman can appear 10-20 lbs thinner so when the time comes to get it on the reveal will be on both sides. Hooray!

The other things I learned from another morning TV program that I can use facebook to get dates. Awesome! BUT!!! I shouldn't put the year that I graduated from high school or college because then my future paramour may find out how old I am and then be so turned off that I may lose my chance at finding my soulmate. Thank goodness I know this now, because I was under the impression that a relationship should be built on honesty. I am so glad that I now know that I am to wear spanx to appear thinner and remove my graduation dates to appear, well I guess ageless.

OH – another thing I learned men maintain a sex drive until the day they die. The reactions from the female anchors taught me that is supposed to annoy me as woman, that inevitably I as a woman will one day not want sex anymore and I'll just roll my eyes and this will become a running joke. What?!!! Damn. I worked so hard at tricking my man into thinking that I am thinner and younger than I am only to not want sex from him after we have been married for some time. Why did I work so hard at nabbing a man to not want one of the best parts about being in a relationship, sex?

Oh well, I guess I am just a freak who thinks that the notion of what you see is what you get and that this 28 year old (29 in 8 days thank you very much) woman loves sex and frankly I hope to want to have sex with my future man till the day we both drop dead without the prior removal of spanx and being well aware of our ages, but that's just me.

Reality Sinking In

2010-03-09T09:45:00.000-08:00

I'm beginning to carve out a routine here. On the plus this makes me feel more at home. On the other side it makes me realize that I am not returning to my former routine. The one with him in it. I am still hopeful and I do know that I am OK now and will one day be better than OK but in the meantime you can dress it up however you like but when someone breaks up with you it's a rejection and rejection does not feel good. The person I said good morning and good night to no longer wants to greet passing moments with me. The person I kissed everyday no longer wants to kiss me, no longer wants to hold me, see me. I'm not trying to be depressing, just real. I can focus on the sun shining, my amazing family, supportive friends and good health, and I do and will continue to, but a broken heart is just that, broken. When a clock is broken we fix it with tools, skills and time. When a bone is broken we allow it time to heal, with a cast, skills and time. When a heart is broken it must be treated with all of the above. Tools such as movies/music/books to distract us, inspire us, motivate us. A cast such as an environment that surrounds us with love and support filled with people who want to greet passing moments with us, kiss us, hold us, see us, love us. Skills such as leaning on friends who have been there before with a broken heart and listening to their wisdom. Time. Time. Time. Time may be the most important ingredient.

For me there is also balance to consider. I am striving to balance both letting myself feel the sadness, but not getting lost in it. It's important for me to get things done even if I want to spend the day under the covers so I get up, drink my coffee, make the bed, breathe, eat cereal, watch some morning TV, smile, breathe, shred with Jillian, stand on my head, bend forward, surrender, listen to snatum kaur, breathe, sit, breathe, sit, surrender, smile, shower, talk to a friend, call about that job, shower, listen to pop music, breathe, get dressed, pack my bag, walk outside, feel the sun's warmth, breathe, smile, listen to singer-songwriters, enter Spin Cafe, go online, apply for that job, sit, surrender, breathe, and so on and so on and so on and so on and so on and that's all we can do, go on because life is a gift and the moment you allow someone to interfere with that knowledge even for a second is the moment you start existing rather than living.

Milkshakes / Sadness / Snuggie

2010-03-05T18:10:00.000-08:00

Milkshakes - I have had 4 milkshakes since the break up which was a week ago. I knew that tonights milkshake would be the last. First of all, ewwww. I mean McDonalds in any capacity is just gross, but 4 in one week! Ugh! Sometimes I feel like I need to repeat behavior over and over until I'm hit over the head with it. I remember in every psych class the first lesson was a condensed version of psych 101 and it used to bug the hell out of me, until at some point I realized that it was just the program utilizing the power of repetition and the reason I knew that material like the back of my hand was said repetition. So back to the milkshakes. I knew tonights would be my last (for awhile ate least). I knew that with the power of repetition the desire to not consume cold, lactose filled, fattening, sugar-laced beverages would wane until extinct.

Sadness - I have gotten to the point where I start remembering the good stuff, the really good stuff and this makes me sad because I am still unclear why it all happened. I know and believe everything happens for a reason.

Snuggie - I bought my Dad a snuggie for Christmas and tonight when I came home he was wearing it which equals one of the funniest things I have seen which definitely helps with the sadness.

Not to be cheesy but...

2010-03-04T13:08:00.000-08:00

One of the best things about being at square one is that anything is possible. One of the best things about being single is not worrying about anyone else but yourself. I find myself at the beginning of a new chapter of my life. Although I do not have a job, a car or an apartment I am feeling driven and free at the same time. I can literally go anywhere and do anything. What I want to do at the moment is get a job, a car and eventually an apt but this place I am in as got me thinking of all the things I want to so here is the beginning:

learn to play the piano

learn to play the guitar

learn to crochet

learn to knit

learn to sew

take photography classes

travel in India

travel to Ireland

travel to Thailand

travel to Japan

Go on an Alaskan Cruise

Travel the Mediterranean

Hike the Appalachian trail

Take a circle trip around the continental US

Sky dive

Learn Italian

Buy a Car

Buy a House

Get Married

Have some babies

Have and tend to a garden

Have pet cat

Have a pet dog

Write a book

Run a marathon

See the day where everyone has the right to get married - help that day get here sooner than later

Be present at the Tricentennial of the US

Dye my hair blonde

Get a lotus tattoo at the 4th chakra

Ride in a horse drawn carriage

Start a scholarship

Go on an all inclusive spa vacation - take my Mom with me

Things I have done and want to do more of:

Horseback riding

Wine tasting

Travel in Italy

Dance

Yoga Teacher Trainings

Graduate School

Traveling out west

Fall in love - stay in love

Have the best friends in the whole world :)

Meditate

Alright - well there's the beginning. Here's to knowing what I want!

night is the hardest

2010-03-03T17:22:00.000-08:00

waking up is ok, day is fine, but night is hard.

the things that go unsaid

2010-03-02T20:06:00.000-08:00

I am currently right smack in the middle of the post break up time period. It is taking a lot of strength and will power to not call him up, or email him or text him. I have emailed, but for practical things only, and in very closed off ways, as in no signature, so no having to deal with to sign with love or to not sign with love. He is still the person I want to say goodnight and good morning to, and will most likely continue to be so. I titled this entry "the things that go unsaid" because I just started writing him an email but knew to discard it. I also knew that by releasing these feelings, here on this blog in which no one reads, but that doesn't matter since it's out there, out of me, free, I would feel better. And I do feel better. I started this crying and now I have stopped. I am inhaling and exhaling through my nose, and now even smiling slightly.

The thing that set out off the crying this time was the new NBC show, "Parenthood". In it 4 siblings, there spouses, children and parents live out there lives. It's supposed to be a relate-able across the board, and I'm sure some of themes are but the portrayal, well, no. Typically the Mom and Dad live in a big house where their children can return home to when there life goes to shit. There are big dinners with lots of wine and toasts and sentimental music to remind you how to feel. There are also soccer games, blonde women, men who know how to fix things, and women who work too hard to be good mommies. What there isn't is a Mom taking her kids to visit their dad in jail or prison, or eating a dinner consisting of spaghetti out of a box and ragu. How about not always being able to depend on your parents for money or a room to sleep in?

I am extremely grateful for my family and my parents. I have also always fantasized about coming home to a house that for starters had room for me, and for seconds wasn't in such disarray. One of things I miss about my would be Ohio life was belonging to a family where everyone seemed to function, at least in the ways that seem important on tv. This is not saying that his family is perfect, or mine is not. I have benefits from my upbringing that he certainly does not and vice versa, but what I am saying is that it felt nice to be part of a family where soccer games happened, family dinners and birthdays happened with a group of 4 siblings, their spouses, children and parents. It felt nice to be around a family that celebrates with wine and toasts. I felt part of this mad crazy group, if I only was there for a couple months.

So therein lies more things that will go unsaid. I know that I can't call him up and tell him how much I miss not only him, but his family because first of all, I have already and second of all, I need to retrain the automatic response to call him at all. And for a brief, beautiful period, I believed them to be my family as well. These are things that have to quietly dissolve in order for me to move on, and therefore will go unsaid, except of course here, but this is nowhere and everywhere, a perfect pitching ground for all these swirly, twirly, thoughts up in here.

Alright

2010-03-02T14:38:00.000-08:00

So I am back in Rochester, NY. My boyfriend and I broke up a few days ago. I moved to Ohio to be with him 2 months ago and now I am moving again. Life is funny. It's almost easy for me at this stage because my needs are so basic; get a job, find an apt, buy a car, etc. I have no choice but to do those things. The last time I went through a big bad break-up I wanted to hide from the world. I deleted my facebook account and felt ashamed and embarrassed. This time I don't know how not to be focused. Maybe I'm older and equipped with more foresight but I know everything is going to be OK. I know that whether or not I'm in a relationship is not what defines me, and I also know that it doesn't matter where I live or what I do for a living as long as I'm happy. Now maybe I'm still processing everything, which I'm sure I am, or maybe it's the anger, whatever, I don't want to share a bedroom with my 16 year old brother, nor do I want to burden my parents with all my stuff strewed throughout the house.

I am so thankful for my friends and family. I don't think I can write about it quite yet since I will start crying and well, I don't want to start crying right now, maybe later.

humble pie

2010-02-24T19:01:00.000-08:00

OK so I skipped yesterday. I made a commitment to post something on this everyday and I skipped yesterday. Ironically and I suppose apropos, is that yesterday was an important day for the commitment between me and my honey. I love being right and I love feeling justified in my thinking and behavior. It's easy for me to admit this, but like mama lowery has been reminding me for quite some time now, admitting something does not justify or excuse it. I struggled with seeing things from his perspective. I had a dream last night that was so simple and pure about the two of us in the sense that we were just laughing and enjoying each other's company without expectation or need. It was also incredibly powerful. It allowed me insight, genuine insight into our relationship and rather than simply agreeing for agreeing's sake or arguing for arguing's sake I truly got it and this strengthened our commitment.

Today I explored the yoga community in the Akron/Canton area and went to class at Lifesource yoga in Fairlawn. It was awesome, just what the doctor ordered, a sweaty, flowy vinyasa class. I plan on signing up for a 2 month unlimited pass for $99! I won't get a chance to go back tomorrow but will most likely make it Fri or Sat. It was a very humbling experience. I was not able to do things I could a few months ago. I have not been taking as good care of myself as I would like so I am going to add a second declaration going along with writing here daily, to go to class or run everyday. I feel so much better when I give myself that gift.

Love Lockdown...not gonna do it

2010-02-22T17:19:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it's so much easier to just shut down and put them walls up but why not take the harder road, even if you feel like you've been down this road too many times before. After the infatuation is the reality and maybe the colors are a different shade but the colors are the same nonetheless. I'm so good at acting like the tough guy, rolling my eyes and doing my own thing. Habits are just that, habits. Routines are just that, routines. Habits, routines, walls, eye rolls and toughness don't hold you when your cold, sad, worried or scared. They don't laugh at your silly jokes. They don't smile when you dance in the living room for no apparent reason beyond it's simply the thing to do. They certainly don't rub your neck when you're stressed. They also don't cuddle on the couch and watch Bones with you, allowing you to lust over David Boreanaz the whole time.

You see, I have to remember these things sometimes because, well there have been moments recently where I have been drawn towards all these habits, routines and the like. The full weight of my decision to move to Ohio is just starting to settle in. I am thankful that I am in a relationship with someone who allows me the space to feel all the things that go along with moving from NYC to suburban Northeast Ohio.

I will not put my love in a lockdown (yes I have been listening to Kanye) even if it sometimes seems like the easy way out because I pretty much have steered away from the easy way out and I'm stronger and more resilient for it.

Simply put, all you need is love.

Swagger

2010-02-21T11:32:00.000-08:00

Here's a shout out to swagger. It's important. It's vital. I am taking hold of my swagger, owning it. Laying down the fierceness. Walking with a hitch in my step. Knowing that there will be days where I don't feel connected to it, but just like inner peace knowing it's always there.

Commitment

2010-02-21T11:19:00.000-08:00

It makes sense that the last time I wrote was about Becky since today is her birthday. I am making a public commitment to myself to write something on this everyday, and though I assume that no one is reading this considering there hasn't much to read but no matter. I was inspired by the CBS Sunday Morning Show this morning. There was a segment about procrastination and lateness. I am not a late person overall. I am not really late to work or appointments on the regular, but something I related with strongly was putting off things that I actually want to do with the reasoning that there are too many things that I have to do. At the moment the house is a mess. The bedroom, the kitchen, living room, laundry needs to be done but no more pushing things away. I am confronting myself, which is scary as hell. I have never lived with a significant other before and damn, I can not hide. It's one thing to live with your best friend, which I had the privilege of doing for three years, where you can go into your room at the end of the night, your own space is built right into the living arrangement, but damn! Living with someone who you also sleep next to is not easy. I mean most of the time it's absolutely amazing but on those days where you are pissed, depressed, what have you, it is not fun to have someone in your grill making you confront your shit. In the long run I appreciate this aspect of cohabitation but during the moment I have had to use all the patience I have cultivated in order to not jump down this man's throat, grandstand, and just be plain riDamndiculous.

So with big ups to him and to the CBS Sunday Morning Show I am committing to something that I have wanted to commit to for some time now, writing for writing's sake, mainly to clear me head.

Old one - never finished...

2009-09-23T13:34:00.000-07:00

I work in Bellevue Hospital. Usually this is merely statement, like 'I rode the bus to work' or 'I am wearing jeans' but there are days where this statements weighs heavy on me.

I do ride the bus to work, the M15 down 2nd Ave. I purposefully sit near in the front so when I exit I am closer to 27th St. I like walking to 1st Ave (where Bellevue is) via 27th St. because I walk through Bellevue Park, which is really just some swing sets and benches, but there is a brief moment as I approach some descending stairs that the view is very similar to a view I remember from when I was in Paris and for this reason I choose to walk this way.

China Bound BFF

2009-09-18T07:32:00.001-07:00

There are people that we meet and they stick in your mind right from the start. One of those moments for me was when I was four years old and attending pre-school. The person that I remember the most is not someone I was particularly close to at the time, in fact our love story wouldn't begin until more than ten years later, but there she is, clear as day in my mind's eye. The girl with the long brown hair flowing behind her, big blue eyes and freckles. She liked a boy named Chad and they would ride bikes and trikes together in the basement of the church where nursery school took place. I knew this girl was not like the other girls. She knew something the rest of us didn't quite comprehend yet. I also knew that this knowledge was somehow connected to her ability at four years old to flip her hair effortlessly while her smile beamed forth.

Ten years later we were enrolled at the same school once again, this time high school. She still was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen and I was finally starting to figure out the whole hair-flipping/beaming smile thing and the power that it possessed. I can't recall exactly how or when but by the end of tenth grade we were best friends.

Three years later when I was living in Denver she came out to live with me for a summer. We were 19. We were were brand new and shiny. Our whole lives ahead of us. We laughed together when my roommate at the time began to reveal more and more that she was a tad odd (quick example - leaving her dead pet goldfish out on the kitchen to dry out with no more explanation than that was what she was doing). We held each other when we spoke of the pain from our childhoods. We supported each other when we spent way too much money on outfits at the Cherry Creek Mall, which was too classy for a food court so we really had no business being there since we be hailing from the 19th Ward, but we wanted those pretty things and gosh darn it we deserved them!

When she left I was lost. I truly was, in every sense of the word lost. I spiraled. I made a lot of quick choices to try to fill the void. Not the void of her, but the void she helped expose. While she went back to college on the east coast, back to to dorm rooms, parties with red cups and ramen eating, I sat alone trying so hard to not need anyone, to not be weak. I wanted to live on my own, hundreds of miles from anyone who really knew me. I wanted to prove I was strong. But of course I needed people and what transpired over the next few months was me trying desperately to cling onto this persona I had worked so hard at creating. Being tough, hard, resilient. There is nothing wrong with possessing these qualities but trying to only possess these pose quite a problem to the realty of being human. As I sunk further into a shroud of darkness there were some lights always dancing around me, she being one of them. Sending me cards and mixtapes. Telling me she loved me. Telling me how beautiful she thought I was.

Almost ten years later from that she still gives me cards and mixtapes, in facet I'm listening to the latest one right now(shout out to Sarah McLachlan!) She still tells me she loves me, and that I am beautiful. For almost three years we have lived together in the cutest apartment in Astoria, NY. This morning at 7:45am she got into a black car with luggage on her way to meet a cast of people all flying to China to perform in musical for the next 3 months. When she returns in December we will not be roomies anymore. This is truly an end to an era, but not an end to our love story, for she is my sister, she truly is, in every sense of the word sister. I love her more than I could ever adequately put into words. She knows me like the wind knows the leaves it flows through, without thought, without measure, and I know her just the same.

I love you lovey.

xoxo,
Leenie/Lovey/Gilly-lover

Awesome book...

2009-09-03T08:46:00.001-07:00

There is Nothing Wrong with You by Cheri Huber. SO good because it's true, there is nothing wrong with you :)

Love/In-Love

2009-09-03T08:26:00.001-07:00

One of the great debates is the difference between love and being in love. Ask 5 different people and your apt to receive 5 different answers. Ask someone if they have ever been in love and some are very quick to respond, "yes, absolutely."Others may pause and eventually say, "I don't know." Others will simply say no. Trying to decode the difference may be an exercise in futility but here's some food for thought...

Being in love is being in the movie rather than watching the movie, meaning that it is one thing to love something but when love has enveloped you, you are IN it rather than loving it. Maybe this can extend to places as well as people, since we can be in places but I don't think one can be in-love with something such as ice cream, even though arguably one could be in ice cream if they found enough of it and perhaps I should be the one to experiment with falling in love with ice cream since I eat it everyday...

I said yesterday to my roomies that being in love is hearing the person you are in love with read the dictionary to you and having that be like, the best thing ever.

I think the truly beautiful thing about trying to define love and in-love is that we are trying to define them at all since really, they are intangible, mysterious, beautiful, gifts that will be at the center of art and conversation for longer than any of us can quantitatively estimate beyond the all encompassing forever.

Galina vs. Tatiana

2009-09-02T11:30:00.000-07:00

I recently had two different kinds of appointments, one with Galina and one with Tatiana.

For both of these appointments I was half naked.

Both Galina and Tatiana slathered a substance all over a part of my body, for one it was cold, for one it was hot.

During both of these appointments Galina and Tatiana both answered their cell and began to have a conversation in Russian.

I winced with pain during both appointments.

I felt oddly comforted by both Galina and Tatiana even though neither of them are doctors.

Any guesses as to what the appointments were for?

I want to go to there...

2009-09-02T07:16:00.001-07:00

http://www.sailmainecoast.com/

Hooray for the real New Year!

2009-09-01T11:12:00.000-07:00

I have always identified with Fall and the beginning of the school year as the real New Year. There is something magical about Fall and although Spring is more commonly associated with renewal I feel more aligned with renewal in the Fall. It's almost as if there is too much of an emphasis on Spring as the time of renewal and the time of twitterpating that sometimes it can just end up being a let down. But Fall...hmm...it just moves through you. It allows for a slowing down of sorts, and from the slowing down space can happen...exhale can happen. Oh and the colors...we're about 1-2 months away from those colors in NYC but my September calendar picture is a lovely reminder of the beauty to come. Fall makes me want to listen to Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong while kicking a pile a leaves as an apple pie I made is baking. I know it's not actually Fall but the combination of being able to sleep without an air conditioner and the crisp air in the early morning and evening is getting me all giddy. I guess I'm warning you know that my affections for Fall will be a rather frequent topic.

Why blog now? Basically in a few short months major changes have been brewing in my circle. One of my friends is having her first baby, the first in my circle!!! A couple people have gotten engaged, a couple more are getting married. One of my best friends is going back to school to be a teacher. Moving. A lot of people are moving, or traveling vast distances for months. Distance. Many of my friends already live a great distance away. This seems to be a good way to sift through all the changes, randomness and surprises life is throwing at me and my friends and share it for better or worse.

So I hope you enjoy and comment and all that jazz.

Till post #2... :)