humble pie

OK so I skipped yesterday. I made a commitment to post something on this everyday and I skipped yesterday. Ironically and I suppose apropos, is that yesterday was an important day for the commitment between me and my honey. I love being right and I love feeling justified in my thinking and behavior. It's easy for me to admit this, but like mama lowery has been reminding me for quite some time now, admitting something does not justify or excuse it. I struggled with seeing things from his perspective. I had a dream last night that was so simple and pure about the two of us in the sense that we were just laughing and enjoying each other's company without expectation or need. It was also incredibly powerful. It allowed me insight, genuine insight into our relationship and rather than simply agreeing for agreeing's sake or arguing for arguing's sake I truly got it and this strengthened our commitment.

Today I explored the yoga community in the Akron/Canton area and went to class at Lifesource yoga in Fairlawn. It was awesome, just what the doctor ordered, a sweaty, flowy vinyasa class. I plan on signing up for a 2 month unlimited pass for $99! I won't get a chance to go back tomorrow but will most likely make it Fri or Sat. It was a very humbling experience. I was not able to do things I could a few months ago. I have not been taking as good care of myself as I would like so I am going to add a second declaration going along with writing here daily, to go to class or run everyday. I feel so much better when I give myself that gift.

Love Lockdown...not gonna do it

Sometimes it's so much easier to just shut down and put them walls up but why not take the harder road, even if you feel like you've been down this road too many times before. After the infatuation is the reality and maybe the colors are a different shade but the colors are the same nonetheless. I'm so good at acting like the tough guy, rolling my eyes and doing my own thing. Habits are just that, habits. Routines are just that, routines. Habits, routines, walls, eye rolls and toughness don't hold you when your cold, sad, worried or scared. They don't laugh at your silly jokes. They don't smile when you dance in the living room for no apparent reason beyond it's simply the thing to do. They certainly don't rub your neck when you're stressed. They also don't cuddle on the couch and watch Bones with you, allowing you to lust over David Boreanaz the whole time.

You see, I have to remember these things sometimes because, well there have been moments recently where I have been drawn towards all these habits, routines and the like. The full weight of my decision to move to Ohio is just starting to settle in. I am thankful that I am in a relationship with someone who allows me the space to feel all the things that go along with moving from NYC to suburban Northeast Ohio.

I will not put my love in a lockdown (yes I have been listening to Kanye) even if it sometimes seems like the easy way out because I pretty much have steered away from the easy way out and I'm stronger and more resilient for it.

Simply put, all you need is love.

Swagger

Here's a shout out to swagger. It's important. It's vital. I am taking hold of my swagger, owning it. Laying down the fierceness. Walking with a hitch in my step. Knowing that there will be days where I don't feel connected to it, but just like inner peace knowing it's always there.

Commitment

It makes sense that the last time I wrote was about Becky since today is her birthday. I am making a public commitment to myself to write something on this everyday, and though I assume that no one is reading this considering there hasn't much to read but no matter. I was inspired by the CBS Sunday Morning Show this morning. There was a segment about procrastination and lateness. I am not a late person overall. I am not really late to work or appointments on the regular, but something I related with strongly was putting off things that I actually want to do with the reasoning that there are too many things that I have to do. At the moment the house is a mess. The bedroom, the kitchen, living room, laundry needs to be done but no more pushing things away. I am confronting myself, which is scary as hell. I have never lived with a significant other before and damn, I can not hide. It's one thing to live with your best friend, which I had the privilege of doing for three years, where you can go into your room at the end of the night, your own space is built right into the living arrangement, but damn! Living with someone who you also sleep next to is not easy. I mean most of the time it's absolutely amazing but on those days where you are pissed, depressed, what have you, it is not fun to have someone in your grill making you confront your shit. In the long run I appreciate this aspect of cohabitation but during the moment I have had to use all the patience I have cultivated in order to not jump down this man's throat, grandstand, and just be plain riDamndiculous.

So with big ups to him and to the CBS Sunday Morning Show I am committing to something that I have wanted to commit to for some time now, writing for writing's sake, mainly to clear me head.