Need...or not...:)

Have I forgotten how to need? I am in a new relationship but I won't let myself need him. Then there's the back and forth in my head "is it healthy to need anyone?" vs "everyone needs to be needed" I want to be needed but I am afraid to need. NEED is so different then Want or Desire. I am very comfortable with my desire for this new man and I am open about wanting to be with him but to say that I need him...hmm...and it could simply be that it is new, which it is. On the other hand I feel that this is the healthiest relationship I have been in since freshman year of college. I feel such a sense of calm. I am not always yearning for something to be said or for him to prove something. There is no baggage. There is no drama. He's not married. He's not orthodox Jewish. He's not an immigrant with memories of a war torn homeland. He's not someone I have a past with. He's just simply a guy who has had relationships and who was single when I met him just as I was just a gal who had had relationships and was single when I met him. When I met his parents and they didn't hate me nor was it some huge fanfare, it was simple, it just was. I want to spend time with him but I also want to spend time not with him. I adore falling asleep next to him but I relish in sprawling out alone. No matter what I am thankful for him. I am thankful he arrived in my life when he did. I truly hope we continue to enjoy one another's company for I love being held, being kissed, being silly, being intimate, being the other piece to the puzzle. If it does come to an end then I can come back and read this and know that at this moment that I have opened myself up to someone and that is worth it in and of itself. I know that this past year has been about returning to center. I still have traveling to do to get there so I will continue to strive to be in the present moment, to be honest and to make choices that bring me closer to the peace within...always there...and that not needing him may simply be a sign that I have evolved...the jury is still out on whether I truly believe that and I am OK with that :)

friendship

I haven't been on in awhile. A lot has been going on but what I feel compelled to write at the moment doesn't concern the changes that have occurred, but rather concerns one of the consistencies and truths that continues that remains steadfast, being my friendships. I have the best friends in the entire world. The love and devotion we have for one another is simply put, beautiful. Through the roller coaster that has been my existence this year my friends have been by anchor, my light, my shoulder to lean on, my home even when the physical location of my home remained a mystery. When I find myself in a moment of doubt I listen to my heart and remember all the people I hold there. How can I "shut down", as I have been throwing out that phrase lately concerning my potential romantic endeavors, when I so clearly possess the unwavering capacity to love beyond rhyme or reason. My heart holds dearly all my friends and continuously finds room for more. I am grateful beyond any way the written word can express so I shall simply end with, thank you past, present and future friends :)

Attachment and Desire

Attachments cause so much pain and grievance but where would we be without any at all? If I weren't attached to being healthy then would I do yoga? Would I jog? If I weren't attached to paying off my debt would I have worried so much about getting a job?

Sometimes I think it's easier to place our attachments onto someone or something else. When you watch a TV show or a movie and cry, yes the acting/writing/directing really came together, but seriously, why are you crying? Are you mourning a loss for fictional people or rather are you mourning a loss you have projected onto fictional characters because it is safer rather than to confront them? I think these are the more personal attachments, like the attachments I have to one day wanting to get married and start a family with someone. It's easier for me to transfer these sometimes to a fictional character so when a TV show or movie shows a more realistic outcome of these attachments, aka it doesn't work out, then well it's harder to swallow because then you may have to come face to face with what or who didn't work out for you.

Is there a difference between attachment and desire? Well, yeah. I desire good wine, chocolate and sex pretty often but I am not attached to getting those things, because when I don't I may be disappointed for a few minutes but then the craving dissipates or I remember I have to do laundry or whatever and I move on.

BUT - attachments, oh my. Those hang on, don't they? Sheesh...I mean I am attached to paying off my debt. I am attached to losing a few pounds. These items, among others are with me more often then I would like. The outcomes of these desires are intrinsically entwined with my day to day anxiety level.

I do believe that we have to keep our attachments in check. I think for most people that can be achieved by participating in activities and/or behaviors that help to keep someone in the present moment. The more often we find ourselves in the present moment the less often we worry about those things we are attached to. I find that like most things it's about consistency and practice. After a few days the attachments have less a hold on me, after a few months, lesser still. Do I think that maybe after a few years or decades of regular participation in whatever behaviors or activities help you stay in the moment you can realize that attachments are meaningless and have no hold over you? Perhaps, I mean anything is possible.

I do think that desires on the other hand should be manifested and checked in with. We can learn a lot about our desires. I don't think each and every desire needs to manifest itself but they can be very revealing. I find that desires are more often from a place of honesty and take shape in ones gut rather than ones head, which is where I believe attachments begin.

Well the sun is out and I have a free Starbucks coupon. I desire to be in the sun and I desire an Iced Venti Soy Caramel Machiato...done and done :)

Soap and Condoms

I am having a hard time moving much today. My mom and I went to Ohio on Tuesday to get the rest of my stuff. I didn't sleep at all Tuesday night. I couldn't sleep in the place that was promised to me to be my new home. I felt the weight of it all and couldn't rest until back in my parents home the next day, 30 hours since I had last slept. I also talked to him on the phone for the first time since the break-up on Tuesday night. I didn't break down and I got off my chest a lot of things I needed to say. Overall I think it was helpful. The thing is that I still feel like he doesn't fully understand what and where this whole thing has left me and truth be told he may never.

I am also struggling with asking for what I need and want from the people who care about me mainly because I don't know what those things are. I mean I need a job, I need money. I need resources that seem out of grasp at the moment. I know that I'll land on my feet, I always do. Today as I am organizing my things once again I wish I had someone here to help me because I want to sleep and wake up from wherever I am right now. I know better to avoid so I make my bed, eat some cereal and organize even though I feel as if I am moving at the speed of reluctance. I want someone to tell me to put that shirt there, hang that dress here, etc. I know I am strong enough to do it on my own but the weight of it all is pressing down on me. I also know my problems aren't that big, but compounded it sure feels bigger than I can handle.

I titled this entry "Soap and Condoms" because those are the last two items I decided to take with me from Ohio. The soap is Lovebird soap from Anthropologie I put in his stocking for Christmas and I decided to take it at the last minute as a representation of future love I know I will have with someone. I decided to take the condoms to represent the future sex I'll have with that person. It may seem cheesy but it felt a little empowering to take away those two items since I no longer share love or sex with him and I want him to know that. I also know that it will be a long time before I am ready for either love or sex and I am good with that since the idea of any of that is scary to me and when I am ready I won't be afraid or if there are traces of fear whoever he is will be understanding and patient.

The sun is shining today and I intend to go to the reservoir and take a nice long walk at some point. I intend to carve out some more clarity today, some more peace of mind. The hardest step is always the first so here's to that first step.

Today's Lesson...

OK, I have been watching morning TV since I am currently unemployed and what I am learning is that these programs between 9am – 12pm are geared towards women, which, well duh, but what I am learning more specifically is that these programs are programming women to lie and manipulate to get dates. Whether its my actual physical makeup or my age I too can learn how to lie about them in order to nab me a man. From spanx to facebook. Ugh! I mean come one now. Really? On one program we (I am using the we since I as a woman am part of the intended demographic) were told to use spanx. Now, I am no stranger to spanx. I tried them once about 5 years ago and I just felt well, binded. For those who don't know spanx are they are an updated corset-esque product available to woman who want to instantly appear 10-20 lbs thinner. So ok, we are to use these spanx to look thinner, thus increasing are appeal to men who then seeing us looking so svelte ask us out. We date for awhile until one night we get physical, and what? We do a sexy striptease out of our spanx? We step away to slip into something more comfortable? We reveal that we are 10-20 lbs heavier than we have been advertising? I mean I'm all for inner beauty and being attracted to someone based on way more than their physical appearance but I'm also a realist. At the beginning physical attraction is important and come on, one of the funnest aspects about the beginning of a relationship. I mean I would be a little confused and frankly wince a little if I was dating a guy who took off his shirt and 10-20 lbs of "more to love" spilled out that to my knowledge didn't exist. But guess what guys?! Now you too can deceive your possible future dating companions. Spanx for men are now a reality. Now both men and woman can appear 10-20 lbs thinner so when the time comes to get it on the reveal will be on both sides. Hooray!

The other things I learned from another morning TV program that I can use facebook to get dates. Awesome! BUT!!! I shouldn't put the year that I graduated from high school or college because then my future paramour may find out how old I am and then be so turned off that I may lose my chance at finding my soulmate. Thank goodness I know this now, because I was under the impression that a relationship should be built on honesty. I am so glad that I now know that I am to wear spanx to appear thinner and remove my graduation dates to appear, well I guess ageless.

OH – another thing I learned men maintain a sex drive until the day they die. The reactions from the female anchors taught me that is supposed to annoy me as woman, that inevitably I as a woman will one day not want sex anymore and I'll just roll my eyes and this will become a running joke. What?!!! Damn. I worked so hard at tricking my man into thinking that I am thinner and younger than I am only to not want sex from him after we have been married for some time. Why did I work so hard at nabbing a man to not want one of the best parts about being in a relationship, sex?

Oh well, I guess I am just a freak who thinks that the notion of what you see is what you get and that this 28 year old (29 in 8 days thank you very much) woman loves sex and frankly I hope to want to have sex with my future man till the day we both drop dead without the prior removal of spanx and being well aware of our ages, but that's just me.

Reality Sinking In

I'm beginning to carve out a routine here. On the plus this makes me feel more at home. On the other side it makes me realize that I am not returning to my former routine. The one with him in it. I am still hopeful and I do know that I am OK now and will one day be better than OK but in the meantime you can dress it up however you like but when someone breaks up with you it's a rejection and rejection does not feel good. The person I said good morning and good night to no longer wants to greet passing moments with me. The person I kissed everyday no longer wants to kiss me, no longer wants to hold me, see me. I'm not trying to be depressing, just real. I can focus on the sun shining, my amazing family, supportive friends and good health, and I do and will continue to, but a broken heart is just that, broken. When a clock is broken we fix it with tools, skills and time. When a bone is broken we allow it time to heal, with a cast, skills and time. When a heart is broken it must be treated with all of the above. Tools such as movies/music/books to distract us, inspire us, motivate us. A cast such as an environment that surrounds us with love and support filled with people who want to greet passing moments with us, kiss us, hold us, see us, love us. Skills such as leaning on friends who have been there before with a broken heart and listening to their wisdom. Time. Time. Time. Time may be the most important ingredient.

For me there is also balance to consider. I am striving to balance both letting myself feel the sadness, but not getting lost in it. It's important for me to get things done even if I want to spend the day under the covers so I get up, drink my coffee, make the bed, breathe, eat cereal, watch some morning TV, smile, breathe, shred with Jillian, stand on my head, bend forward, surrender, listen to snatum kaur, breathe, sit, breathe, sit, surrender, smile, shower, talk to a friend, call about that job, shower, listen to pop music, breathe, get dressed, pack my bag, walk outside, feel the sun's warmth, breathe, smile, listen to singer-songwriters, enter Spin Cafe, go online, apply for that job, sit, surrender, breathe, and so on and so on and so on and so on and so on and that's all we can do, go on because life is a gift and the moment you allow someone to interfere with that knowledge even for a second is the moment you start existing rather than living.

Milkshakes / Sadness / Snuggie

Milkshakes - I have had 4 milkshakes since the break up which was a week ago. I knew that tonights milkshake would be the last. First of all, ewwww. I mean McDonalds in any capacity is just gross, but 4 in one week! Ugh! Sometimes I feel like I need to repeat behavior over and over until I'm hit over the head with it. I remember in every psych class the first lesson was a condensed version of psych 101 and it used to bug the hell out of me, until at some point I realized that it was just the program utilizing the power of repetition and the reason I knew that material like the back of my hand was said repetition. So back to the milkshakes. I knew tonights would be my last (for awhile ate least). I knew that with the power of repetition the desire to not consume cold, lactose filled, fattening, sugar-laced beverages would wane until extinct.

Sadness - I have gotten to the point where I start remembering the good stuff, the really good stuff and this makes me sad because I am still unclear why it all happened. I know and believe everything happens for a reason.

Snuggie - I bought my Dad a snuggie for Christmas and tonight when I came home he was wearing it which equals one of the funniest things I have seen which definitely helps with the sadness.