Soap and Condoms

I am having a hard time moving much today. My mom and I went to Ohio on Tuesday to get the rest of my stuff. I didn't sleep at all Tuesday night. I couldn't sleep in the place that was promised to me to be my new home. I felt the weight of it all and couldn't rest until back in my parents home the next day, 30 hours since I had last slept. I also talked to him on the phone for the first time since the break-up on Tuesday night. I didn't break down and I got off my chest a lot of things I needed to say. Overall I think it was helpful. The thing is that I still feel like he doesn't fully understand what and where this whole thing has left me and truth be told he may never.

I am also struggling with asking for what I need and want from the people who care about me mainly because I don't know what those things are. I mean I need a job, I need money. I need resources that seem out of grasp at the moment. I know that I'll land on my feet, I always do. Today as I am organizing my things once again I wish I had someone here to help me because I want to sleep and wake up from wherever I am right now. I know better to avoid so I make my bed, eat some cereal and organize even though I feel as if I am moving at the speed of reluctance. I want someone to tell me to put that shirt there, hang that dress here, etc. I know I am strong enough to do it on my own but the weight of it all is pressing down on me. I also know my problems aren't that big, but compounded it sure feels bigger than I can handle.

I titled this entry "Soap and Condoms" because those are the last two items I decided to take with me from Ohio. The soap is Lovebird soap from Anthropologie I put in his stocking for Christmas and I decided to take it at the last minute as a representation of future love I know I will have with someone. I decided to take the condoms to represent the future sex I'll have with that person. It may seem cheesy but it felt a little empowering to take away those two items since I no longer share love or sex with him and I want him to know that. I also know that it will be a long time before I am ready for either love or sex and I am good with that since the idea of any of that is scary to me and when I am ready I won't be afraid or if there are traces of fear whoever he is will be understanding and patient.

The sun is shining today and I intend to go to the reservoir and take a nice long walk at some point. I intend to carve out some more clarity today, some more peace of mind. The hardest step is always the first so here's to that first step.

Today's Lesson...

OK, I have been watching morning TV since I am currently unemployed and what I am learning is that these programs between 9am – 12pm are geared towards women, which, well duh, but what I am learning more specifically is that these programs are programming women to lie and manipulate to get dates. Whether its my actual physical makeup or my age I too can learn how to lie about them in order to nab me a man. From spanx to facebook. Ugh! I mean come one now. Really? On one program we (I am using the we since I as a woman am part of the intended demographic) were told to use spanx. Now, I am no stranger to spanx. I tried them once about 5 years ago and I just felt well, binded. For those who don't know spanx are they are an updated corset-esque product available to woman who want to instantly appear 10-20 lbs thinner. So ok, we are to use these spanx to look thinner, thus increasing are appeal to men who then seeing us looking so svelte ask us out. We date for awhile until one night we get physical, and what? We do a sexy striptease out of our spanx? We step away to slip into something more comfortable? We reveal that we are 10-20 lbs heavier than we have been advertising? I mean I'm all for inner beauty and being attracted to someone based on way more than their physical appearance but I'm also a realist. At the beginning physical attraction is important and come on, one of the funnest aspects about the beginning of a relationship. I mean I would be a little confused and frankly wince a little if I was dating a guy who took off his shirt and 10-20 lbs of "more to love" spilled out that to my knowledge didn't exist. But guess what guys?! Now you too can deceive your possible future dating companions. Spanx for men are now a reality. Now both men and woman can appear 10-20 lbs thinner so when the time comes to get it on the reveal will be on both sides. Hooray!

The other things I learned from another morning TV program that I can use facebook to get dates. Awesome! BUT!!! I shouldn't put the year that I graduated from high school or college because then my future paramour may find out how old I am and then be so turned off that I may lose my chance at finding my soulmate. Thank goodness I know this now, because I was under the impression that a relationship should be built on honesty. I am so glad that I now know that I am to wear spanx to appear thinner and remove my graduation dates to appear, well I guess ageless.

OH – another thing I learned men maintain a sex drive until the day they die. The reactions from the female anchors taught me that is supposed to annoy me as woman, that inevitably I as a woman will one day not want sex anymore and I'll just roll my eyes and this will become a running joke. What?!!! Damn. I worked so hard at tricking my man into thinking that I am thinner and younger than I am only to not want sex from him after we have been married for some time. Why did I work so hard at nabbing a man to not want one of the best parts about being in a relationship, sex?

Oh well, I guess I am just a freak who thinks that the notion of what you see is what you get and that this 28 year old (29 in 8 days thank you very much) woman loves sex and frankly I hope to want to have sex with my future man till the day we both drop dead without the prior removal of spanx and being well aware of our ages, but that's just me.

Reality Sinking In

I'm beginning to carve out a routine here. On the plus this makes me feel more at home. On the other side it makes me realize that I am not returning to my former routine. The one with him in it. I am still hopeful and I do know that I am OK now and will one day be better than OK but in the meantime you can dress it up however you like but when someone breaks up with you it's a rejection and rejection does not feel good. The person I said good morning and good night to no longer wants to greet passing moments with me. The person I kissed everyday no longer wants to kiss me, no longer wants to hold me, see me. I'm not trying to be depressing, just real. I can focus on the sun shining, my amazing family, supportive friends and good health, and I do and will continue to, but a broken heart is just that, broken. When a clock is broken we fix it with tools, skills and time. When a bone is broken we allow it time to heal, with a cast, skills and time. When a heart is broken it must be treated with all of the above. Tools such as movies/music/books to distract us, inspire us, motivate us. A cast such as an environment that surrounds us with love and support filled with people who want to greet passing moments with us, kiss us, hold us, see us, love us. Skills such as leaning on friends who have been there before with a broken heart and listening to their wisdom. Time. Time. Time. Time may be the most important ingredient.

For me there is also balance to consider. I am striving to balance both letting myself feel the sadness, but not getting lost in it. It's important for me to get things done even if I want to spend the day under the covers so I get up, drink my coffee, make the bed, breathe, eat cereal, watch some morning TV, smile, breathe, shred with Jillian, stand on my head, bend forward, surrender, listen to snatum kaur, breathe, sit, breathe, sit, surrender, smile, shower, talk to a friend, call about that job, shower, listen to pop music, breathe, get dressed, pack my bag, walk outside, feel the sun's warmth, breathe, smile, listen to singer-songwriters, enter Spin Cafe, go online, apply for that job, sit, surrender, breathe, and so on and so on and so on and so on and so on and that's all we can do, go on because life is a gift and the moment you allow someone to interfere with that knowledge even for a second is the moment you start existing rather than living.

Milkshakes / Sadness / Snuggie

Milkshakes - I have had 4 milkshakes since the break up which was a week ago. I knew that tonights milkshake would be the last. First of all, ewwww. I mean McDonalds in any capacity is just gross, but 4 in one week! Ugh! Sometimes I feel like I need to repeat behavior over and over until I'm hit over the head with it. I remember in every psych class the first lesson was a condensed version of psych 101 and it used to bug the hell out of me, until at some point I realized that it was just the program utilizing the power of repetition and the reason I knew that material like the back of my hand was said repetition. So back to the milkshakes. I knew tonights would be my last (for awhile ate least). I knew that with the power of repetition the desire to not consume cold, lactose filled, fattening, sugar-laced beverages would wane until extinct.

Sadness - I have gotten to the point where I start remembering the good stuff, the really good stuff and this makes me sad because I am still unclear why it all happened. I know and believe everything happens for a reason.

Snuggie - I bought my Dad a snuggie for Christmas and tonight when I came home he was wearing it which equals one of the funniest things I have seen which definitely helps with the sadness.

Not to be cheesy but...

One of the best things about being at square one is that anything is possible. One of the best things about being single is not worrying about anyone else but yourself. I find myself at the beginning of a new chapter of my life. Although I do not have a job, a car or an apartment I am feeling driven and free at the same time. I can literally go anywhere and do anything. What I want to do at the moment is get a job, a car and eventually an apt but this place I am in as got me thinking of all the things I want to so here is the beginning:

learn to play the piano

learn to play the guitar

learn to crochet

learn to knit

learn to sew

take photography classes

travel in India

travel to Ireland

travel to Thailand

travel to Japan

Go on an Alaskan Cruise

Travel the Mediterranean

Hike the Appalachian trail

Take a circle trip around the continental US

Sky dive

Learn Italian

Buy a Car

Buy a House

Get Married

Have some babies

Have and tend to a garden

Have pet cat

Have a pet dog

Write a book

Run a marathon

See the day where everyone has the right to get married - help that day get here sooner than later

Be present at the Tricentennial of the US

Dye my hair blonde

Get a lotus tattoo at the 4th chakra

Ride in a horse drawn carriage

Start a scholarship

Go on an all inclusive spa vacation - take my Mom with me

Things I have done and want to do more of:

Horseback riding

Wine tasting

Travel in Italy

Dance

Yoga Teacher Trainings

Graduate School

Traveling out west

Fall in love - stay in love

Have the best friends in the whole world :)

Meditate

Alright - well there's the beginning. Here's to knowing what I want!

night is the hardest

waking up is ok, day is fine, but night is hard.

the things that go unsaid

I am currently right smack in the middle of the post break up time period. It is taking a lot of strength and will power to not call him up, or email him or text him. I have emailed, but for practical things only, and in very closed off ways, as in no signature, so no having to deal with to sign with love or to not sign with love. He is still the person I want to say goodnight and good morning to, and will most likely continue to be so. I titled this entry "the things that go unsaid" because I just started writing him an email but knew to discard it. I also knew that by releasing these feelings, here on this blog in which no one reads, but that doesn't matter since it's out there, out of me, free, I would feel better. And I do feel better. I started this crying and now I have stopped. I am inhaling and exhaling through my nose, and now even smiling slightly.

The thing that set out off the crying this time was the new NBC show, "Parenthood". In it 4 siblings, there spouses, children and parents live out there lives. It's supposed to be a relate-able across the board, and I'm sure some of themes are but the portrayal, well, no. Typically the Mom and Dad live in a big house where their children can return home to when there life goes to shit. There are big dinners with lots of wine and toasts and sentimental music to remind you how to feel. There are also soccer games, blonde women, men who know how to fix things, and women who work too hard to be good mommies. What there isn't is a Mom taking her kids to visit their dad in jail or prison, or eating a dinner consisting of spaghetti out of a box and ragu. How about not always being able to depend on your parents for money or a room to sleep in?

I am extremely grateful for my family and my parents. I have also always fantasized about coming home to a house that for starters had room for me, and for seconds wasn't in such disarray. One of things I miss about my would be Ohio life was belonging to a family where everyone seemed to function, at least in the ways that seem important on tv. This is not saying that his family is perfect, or mine is not. I have benefits from my upbringing that he certainly does not and vice versa, but what I am saying is that it felt nice to be part of a family where soccer games happened, family dinners and birthdays happened with a group of 4 siblings, their spouses, children and parents. It felt nice to be around a family that celebrates with wine and toasts. I felt part of this mad crazy group, if I only was there for a couple months.

So therein lies more things that will go unsaid. I know that I can't call him up and tell him how much I miss not only him, but his family because first of all, I have already and second of all, I need to retrain the automatic response to call him at all. And for a brief, beautiful period, I believed them to be my family as well. These are things that have to quietly dissolve in order for me to move on, and therefore will go unsaid, except of course here, but this is nowhere and everywhere, a perfect pitching ground for all these swirly, twirly, thoughts up in here.

Alright

So I am back in Rochester, NY. My boyfriend and I broke up a few days ago. I moved to Ohio to be with him 2 months ago and now I am moving again. Life is funny. It's almost easy for me at this stage because my needs are so basic; get a job, find an apt, buy a car, etc. I have no choice but to do those things. The last time I went through a big bad break-up I wanted to hide from the world. I deleted my facebook account and felt ashamed and embarrassed. This time I don't know how not to be focused. Maybe I'm older and equipped with more foresight but I know everything is going to be OK. I know that whether or not I'm in a relationship is not what defines me, and I also know that it doesn't matter where I live or what I do for a living as long as I'm happy. Now maybe I'm still processing everything, which I'm sure I am, or maybe it's the anger, whatever, I don't want to share a bedroom with my 16 year old brother, nor do I want to burden my parents with all my stuff strewed throughout the house.

I am so thankful for my friends and family. I don't think I can write about it quite yet since I will start crying and well, I don't want to start crying right now, maybe later.