Soap and Condoms

I am having a hard time moving much today. My mom and I went to Ohio on Tuesday to get the rest of my stuff. I didn't sleep at all Tuesday night. I couldn't sleep in the place that was promised to me to be my new home. I felt the weight of it all and couldn't rest until back in my parents home the next day, 30 hours since I had last slept. I also talked to him on the phone for the first time since the break-up on Tuesday night. I didn't break down and I got off my chest a lot of things I needed to say. Overall I think it was helpful. The thing is that I still feel like he doesn't fully understand what and where this whole thing has left me and truth be told he may never.

I am also struggling with asking for what I need and want from the people who care about me mainly because I don't know what those things are. I mean I need a job, I need money. I need resources that seem out of grasp at the moment. I know that I'll land on my feet, I always do. Today as I am organizing my things once again I wish I had someone here to help me because I want to sleep and wake up from wherever I am right now. I know better to avoid so I make my bed, eat some cereal and organize even though I feel as if I am moving at the speed of reluctance. I want someone to tell me to put that shirt there, hang that dress here, etc. I know I am strong enough to do it on my own but the weight of it all is pressing down on me. I also know my problems aren't that big, but compounded it sure feels bigger than I can handle.

I titled this entry "Soap and Condoms" because those are the last two items I decided to take with me from Ohio. The soap is Lovebird soap from Anthropologie I put in his stocking for Christmas and I decided to take it at the last minute as a representation of future love I know I will have with someone. I decided to take the condoms to represent the future sex I'll have with that person. It may seem cheesy but it felt a little empowering to take away those two items since I no longer share love or sex with him and I want him to know that. I also know that it will be a long time before I am ready for either love or sex and I am good with that since the idea of any of that is scary to me and when I am ready I won't be afraid or if there are traces of fear whoever he is will be understanding and patient.

The sun is shining today and I intend to go to the reservoir and take a nice long walk at some point. I intend to carve out some more clarity today, some more peace of mind. The hardest step is always the first so here's to that first step.