the things that go unsaid

I am currently right smack in the middle of the post break up time period. It is taking a lot of strength and will power to not call him up, or email him or text him. I have emailed, but for practical things only, and in very closed off ways, as in no signature, so no having to deal with to sign with love or to not sign with love. He is still the person I want to say goodnight and good morning to, and will most likely continue to be so. I titled this entry "the things that go unsaid" because I just started writing him an email but knew to discard it. I also knew that by releasing these feelings, here on this blog in which no one reads, but that doesn't matter since it's out there, out of me, free, I would feel better. And I do feel better. I started this crying and now I have stopped. I am inhaling and exhaling through my nose, and now even smiling slightly.

The thing that set out off the crying this time was the new NBC show, "Parenthood". In it 4 siblings, there spouses, children and parents live out there lives. It's supposed to be a relate-able across the board, and I'm sure some of themes are but the portrayal, well, no. Typically the Mom and Dad live in a big house where their children can return home to when there life goes to shit. There are big dinners with lots of wine and toasts and sentimental music to remind you how to feel. There are also soccer games, blonde women, men who know how to fix things, and women who work too hard to be good mommies. What there isn't is a Mom taking her kids to visit their dad in jail or prison, or eating a dinner consisting of spaghetti out of a box and ragu. How about not always being able to depend on your parents for money or a room to sleep in?

I am extremely grateful for my family and my parents. I have also always fantasized about coming home to a house that for starters had room for me, and for seconds wasn't in such disarray. One of things I miss about my would be Ohio life was belonging to a family where everyone seemed to function, at least in the ways that seem important on tv. This is not saying that his family is perfect, or mine is not. I have benefits from my upbringing that he certainly does not and vice versa, but what I am saying is that it felt nice to be part of a family where soccer games happened, family dinners and birthdays happened with a group of 4 siblings, their spouses, children and parents. It felt nice to be around a family that celebrates with wine and toasts. I felt part of this mad crazy group, if I only was there for a couple months.

So therein lies more things that will go unsaid. I know that I can't call him up and tell him how much I miss not only him, but his family because first of all, I have already and second of all, I need to retrain the automatic response to call him at all. And for a brief, beautiful period, I believed them to be my family as well. These are things that have to quietly dissolve in order for me to move on, and therefore will go unsaid, except of course here, but this is nowhere and everywhere, a perfect pitching ground for all these swirly, twirly, thoughts up in here.